


Starvation

by ThisIsHowIShowMyLove (Aelphaba)



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Fluff and Angst, Insecure Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Literal Idioms, M/M, Protective Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sassy Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Starvation, Starving Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-22
Updated: 2020-04-22
Packaged: 2021-03-01 19:27:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,201
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23782354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aelphaba/pseuds/ThisIsHowIShowMyLove
Summary: Roman thrived on compliments. Whenever Thomas received a compliment, or he read a positive tweet or got a new subscriber on his channel, Roman would practically buzz from happiness.Roman did represent Thomas' Ego, and he did gain energy whenever Thomas received a compliment. Compliments did feed the Ego, literally, and without them, Roman tended to experience a creative block.Or worse, starve.
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders
Comments: 13
Kudos: 260





	Starvation

Roman thrived on compliments. When things were going well, and Thomas' videos were well-liked, Roman seemed to carry a healthy, almost rosy glow about him. Whenever Thomas received a compliment, or he read a positive tweet or got a new subscriber on his channel, Roman would practically buzz from happiness. If it were a particularly good compliment, Roman would find himself in a creative surge and would have to hurry to the Imagination before he burst, potentially covering the Mindscape in glitter. The other sides would joke that it was because Thomas was feeding his own Ego and that Roman should go glow somewhere else.

They weren't wrong, precisely.

Roman did represent Thomas' Ego, and he did gain energy whenever Thomas received a compliment. The truth was, however, that he required positive feedback to keep creating. Compliments did feed the Ego, literally, and without them, Roman tended to experience a creative block.

Or worse, starve.

The isolation due to the coronavirus was starting to get to Thomas. While he was still creating new content, having to be separated from his friends and family was weighing on him. Sure, being able to video chat and communicate online helped, but it wasn't the same. The ever-increasing number of new cases and the rising death toll was making Virgil edgy, which never helped. He was struggling so much that he had nearly regressed to his pre-ducking out style and personality. Roman knew to stay far out of dodge when Virgil was feeling like that, but that often led to him needing to avoid Patton and Logan as well. So no one really noticed when Roman's prince outfit stopped fitting and instead began to hang off of him. Or when the glow they all joked about dissipated, leaving Roman looking tired and wan.

Roman knew the symptoms of starvation better than anyone. He knew how they progressed and what he needed to do to mitigate them. He ate as much as he could to make up the difference. Conjured food didn't have the same number of calories compared to that of the real-world equivalent, but it was better than nothing. He also practised giving himself compliments in the mirror. Again, compliments from another person were considerably more potent than anything he could say, but it was still better. He also tried to spend as much time in the Imagination as possible.

Spending time in the Imagination was a benefit and a burden to Roman. While he would gain a boost from sheer creativity of Thomas' mind, trying to force the Imagination to cooperate when he was already in a weakened state tended to result in somewhat erratic results. Sometimes, he'd find himself in a flow state, defeating monsters like he did on the best of days. Other times, he would begin to feel blocked, and the temptation to cross into Remus' territory for ideas became particularly alluring.

Stage one of starvation was the gnawing hunger. Conjured food and mirror compliments took the edge off, but never completely. Roman tried to spend time in the Imagination every day, making his presence known to the villages in his "kingdom". Successful quests, and the resultant adoration of the people he served, were often enough of a boost to prevent sinking into further stages. Particularly if it resulted in a great idea for Thomas to use. But not always.

Stage two of starvation presented as slight weight loss and a mild-to-moderate creative block. Roman tried to spend even more time in the Imagination during this stage. Creative block was brutal at the best of times. But coupled with the hunger, it was harder to focus on questing and finding the ideas he needed to help Thomas, and hopefully feed his Ego.

Stage three of starvation came with more weight loss, decreased strength and severely decreased energy. Roman avoided the Commons during this stage. No matter how much Roman primped, the skeletal look was pretty obvious. The last time he had joined the others for a meal during this stage, even Logan had commented on his altered appearance. Roman spent much of his time creating in his room. He didn't have the strength for extensive questing, so he did whatever he could to keep the symptoms at bay. Compliments given to himself in the mirror were no longer effectual at this stage.

Stage four of starvation was complete creative block and malnutrition. He would no longer be able to eat any food that had been conjured by himself or another Side without throwing it up. He spent much of his time asleep, merely lacking the energy to do much else. His bones would ache and become brittle. His hair would begin to fall out, not unlike a cancer patient under chemotherapy. Thankfully, it always grew back fairly quickly once he regained his strength, but the reminder of the bald patches remained in the back of his mind for months afterwards.

Roman had never progressed to stage five.

Roman knew he was already in stage three. He knew he'd been stuck in stage three for some time already and that stage four was practically inevitable. It wasn't until one morning when he got out of bed, looked at himself in the mirror. He realised that he could see his collarbones poking out of his pyjama top like they intended to slice through the fabric and his skin in one fell swoop. He raised the hem of his shirt and discovered his rib cage was looking particularly prominent as well. And by the look of his pyjama bottoms, they were likely only holding on due to the elastic being tight enough around his surprisingly bony hips. He was going to need to go on a supply run soon before he had so little energy that he couldn't get out of bed.

He needed to stay hydrated. Electrolytes would be essential once he started feeling sick. He also required enough easy-to-digest food to get him through until the nausea got too much. All of that had to easily accessible and not require much preparation. If Roman had the energy, he would just conjure all of it and be done with it. He was also going to have to steal Logan's stash of uncrystallised ginger. It had been so good the last time he wasn't feeling well. He'd heard one of Thomas' friends raving about how well ginger had helped when they were struggling with morning sickness, that Roman knew he had to try it. Roman had been able to eat for so much longer with the ginger to settle his stomach. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to replace his supply the last time this happened, and now he had no choice but to steal some. He'd replace it as soon as he was better. Hopefully, Logan wouldn't notice? He probably would. Not much Roman could do about that now. Desperate times, and all the jazz.

Roman shuddered. He was starting to get cold, though that was hardly a surprise, really. He essentially had no body fat to keep his temperature at a reasonable level. He would need to cover up too before he went downstairs. No use to sneaking around if the moment he was spotted, someone saw how bony he was getting. He needed to wear a turtleneck sweater to cover his collarbones and neck, and his onesie was a must. As long as he kept his hood up, there was a good chance that no one would pay too much attention to his face and see how gaunt he'd become. The other advantage of this hoodie was that he had spelled the pockets to be practically bottomless ages ago. For all he mocked Logan for being a nerd, Hermione Granger's nerdiness had saved the trio on many an occasion. Especially when she cast the expansion spell on her bag. Though, Roman's expansion spell only required him to think about an item for it to return to his hand. Much simpler than having to continually get out your wand to accio everything.

Getting dressed was a chore. Roman’s bones were already beginning to ache, and the fatigue increased with every moment he was standing upright. Thomas was having a sleep in today, so hopefully, neither Patton nor Logan would be up. It had always been hard to predict Virgil's movements, so Roman had to rely on luck. He had to lean on the banister as he went downstairs, but he did manage to avoid the one creaky stair, so that was a plus. He didn't turn on the lights when he entered the kitchen, so he was understandably startled when a voice came from the darkness.

"Dude, what are you doing?"

Roman was, understandably, nearly startled out of his wits. In fact, it was fortunate that he was standing close enough to the counter that he was able to lean on it for support until his heart-rate returned to normal.

"Christ, Virgil. Do you have to scare the life out of me?"

"No nicknames, Princey?" Virgil snarked from his spot on top of the fridge. "You must be tired. What are you doing up this early?"

"I could ask the same thing of you, Count Woe-laff." _Why was his heart still beating so fast?_

"Re-using nicknames, now? Should I be worried, or are you just finally running out of content?"

"I..." Roman wanted to retort, but his heart was still pounding uncomfortably in his chest. _Why was it getting so hard to breathe?_ "Virge…"

Virgil jumped down from his perch to the floor. "Roman, I need you to look at me."

Roman struggled to wheeze in a breath but only resulted in more chest pain. _Why did everything have to hurt so much?_

"Honey, I need you to breathe out first, then you can take in a breath. You can breathe in as many times as you like, as long as you breathe out first."

Roman struggled to push the air out of his lungs, the pain in his chest nearly overwhelming him. Yet, when he did, he was blessed with the cooling relief of oxygen filling his lungs.

"That's it, sweetheart. Let it all out first, nice and slow, then take in some new fresh air. You've got this."

Unfortunately for Roman, as soon as he got his breathing settled, the exhaustion he'd been fighting seemed to hit him all at once. Roman tried to straighten, pushing himself upright using the countertop, but his head promptly began to spin. He lost his grip on the counter at the very moment he lost his grip on consciousness, and Roman disappeared into the blackness.

The first thing Roman noticed when he woke was that he was back in his bedroom. Hadn't he been down in the kitchen? When did he come back upstairs? The second thing he noticed was that someone was carding their fingers through his hair. Roman opened his eyes.

"Hey there, Sleeping Beauty. Are you feeling any better?"

A frisson of excitement ran through Roman, shocking him into further wakefulness, before dissipating. Any compliments are better than nothing, even when they're only intended to be simple nicknames. _Take whatever you can get, Roman._

"What happened?"

"You collapsed on me in the kitchen, and I carried you back here. I had just tucked you back into bed when you started to stir."

"Oh..."

Of course, Virgil carried him upstairs. Aside from Roman (on a good day), Virgil was undoubtedly the strongest of the six of them. Even with his multiple arms, Deceit wasn't actually that strong. As for Remus, the Morningstar he carried was certainly hefty, but they hadn't had a test of strength between them in years.

Virgil, unfortunately, appeared to read his silence poorly and froze in his comforting motions. "And before you ask, that is all that happened. You know my opinion about consent with sleeping people."

"I never doubted you for a second, my love. Thank you."

Virgil's cheeks flushed bright red, and he looked away in an attempt to cover his embarrassment. Thankfully, Virgil's fingers quickly resumed their earlier petting motion - Roman had been getting close to pushing his head into Virgil's hand like a cat, to get him to continue. Roman was a naturally tactile person, so sue him.

Virgil eventually cleared his throat. "Ro?"

"Yes, my dark angel?"

"Are you up to explaining what happened? I mean, you looked like you were having a heart attack before you collapsed into my arms."

"I was just a little startled. Nothing for you to be concerned about."

"You are literally skin and bone, Roman. Carrying you upstairs was too easy. I may be strong, but you barely weighed more than the clothes you were wearing."

"Oh, I'm sure it's not that bad..."

"Roman, your hair is falling out."

Roman's teeth clicked together.

"Look, we both know what eating disorders can look like. Remember when Thomas had to watch that documentary in health class? Logan got obsessed with knowing what signs to look out for - I think that might have been my fault, actually. But my point is that you're showing a lot of the signs of-"

"Anorexia? You'll be pleased to know that you are incorrect, but you're actually not that far off."

"If you're not starving yourself, then how'd you get this sick?"

Roman smiled wanly. "Not starving myself. Just starving."

"Just... starving?"

Roman sighed heavily. He was going to have to explain everything, wasn't he?

"I encompass more than just Thomas' Creativity. I also represent Thomas' Ego, and that comes with certain limitations."

"When Thomas feels undervalued or unimportant, his experience of a "bruised ego" is quite literal for me. Similarly, when Thomas receives a compliment, it-"

"Feeds the Ego. And without that attention, you-"

"Starve, yes. The positive attention Thomas receives through his channel, and the rest of his social media platform is usually more than enough to keep me fit and in fighting shape, but with the coronavirus putting a damper on things-"

"You haven't been getting the attention you need. And with how I've been over the last week or so, that can't have been helping things."

"That is not what I meant, and you know it! You're the one who put in the No Beating Yourself Up rule, Virge."

"I meant that for when you're having a creative slump, which you're probably having on top of everything."

"Not the point!"

"So the point! What do you need to start feeling better? Compliments? Does Thomas need to be involved, or can I go direct?"

"Both are viable options, but I-"

"You are so beautiful, Roman."

Roman froze, as a tiny burst of warmth flooded his stomach, then dissipated. "You're just saying that, Virge. I mean, look at me! You can't really mean it..."

"Yes, I do. I am looking at you, Roman. I'm always looking, and I always think you look beautiful."

"I look like a cancer patient!"

"And even then, I will always love you and think you look beautiful."

The warmth in his stomach was staying around longer with every repetition, but Roman knew it wouldn't be enough. So, somehow, did Virgil.

"Alright, I'm getting the big guns. If my compliments aren't enough, perhaps you'll listen to the others-"

"You can't tell Patton and Logan! I couldn't bear their pity..."

"Is that what you think this is? Pity?"

Roman winced. He hadn't meant to say that out loud, but it didn't change the fact it had been his biggest fear all along. How was he supposed to tell whether it was a sincere compliment or not? When he was desperate, he could even interpret Deceit's lies as accolades, even if the sour taste in his mouth tended to last even hours later.

"I know yours aren't..." entirely pity.

"Well, I doubt you're in the right headspace to be arguing this with me right now. So, I'm going to get you some food, then we'll talk when I get back."

"Wait, what?"

He straightened, tugging his hood back over his head. **"I'll be back soon."**

Virgil gave Roman an almost demonic grin from the shadows surrounding his face, then popped out. Roman sat in stunned silence for a moment. Had Virgil used the Tempest Tongue on him? To say he'd be back soon? The room darkened for a moment. It was reminiscent of the times when he and Virgil had been enemies, back when Virgil would give Thomas anxiety for no apparent reason. Roman struggled to push himself upright. Whatever Virgil was doing couldn't be good for Thomas, he had to stop-

Without warning, the lights in his room returned to regular brightness, and a thin trickle of warmth began to pool in Roman's stomach. And unlike Virgil's earlier compliments, the heat didn't immediately disappear. Instead, it accumulated and began to fill Roman down to his fingers and toes. Positive words started to fill Roman's head.

_"I love how when Thomas is out of character, he's still in character."_

_"We’re here to support you no matter what!!"_

_"We love you, Thomathy."_

_"Thank you, Thomas, we love you to the moon and back."_

_"I have seen it on insta, TikTok and now Twitter and it gets funnier every time."_

Roman's breathing grew easier as strength seemed to flood back into his body. He marvelled as his body slowly filled out again, losing the look of illness and weakness he had carried only moments before. He even missed when Virgil popped back in next to the door.

"Feeling better, Princey?"

"So much better - what did you do?"

"I scared the crap out of Thomas. I made him think that the Fanders didn't like him anymore, then sent him to Twitter and the video comments to reassure himself."

"You did that... for me?"

"Of course, I did, you idiot. I love you."

Now that he wasn't feeling so vile, Roman couldn't help but blush at the statement. Virgil crossed the room and sat beside Roman on the bed.

"Now, I'm hoping that you'll believe me when I say that I think you are beautiful, Roman, no matter what you look like." Virgil leaned in to press a soft kiss on Roman's lips. "No matter how tired, or beat up, or thin, or ruffled, or sick you are, I love you, and you are beautiful."

Roman could have sworn his face was glowing like a neon light, in a shade of red hitherto never experienced by Side or Human before. Virgil simply took that as motivation.

"I love you."

A kiss was placed on Roman's knuckles.

"You are beautiful."

Another was placed on the back of his hand.

"I love you."

A kiss landed on Roman's forearm.

"You are beautiful."

Another near the crease of his elbow.

"I love you."

One landed on his (now fully formed) bicep.

"You are beautiful."

Virgil leaned in to kiss Roman's shoulder.

"I love you."

Virgil kissed the exposed (but no longer too sharp) collarbone.

"You are beautiful."

Virgil mouthed the words against Roman's throat.

"I love you."

A kiss to his cheek.

"You are beautiful."

Roman surged forward to capture Virgil's lips.

This time, they spoke together. "I love you."

Virgil grinned. "And you are so goddamn beautiful."


End file.
